God has been an…

March 25, 2012

God has been answering prayers lately.


We don’t always see how He is going to answer, and sometimes it is unexpected and painful.  But oh, is He good. God is so good.  


I’ve likened this period in my life to a garden.  I have a garden in my spirit.  God is starving things, He is letting plants dry up in my life.  Once they are dead, it is easier to pull them from the ground, uproot them.  Sometimes God asks us to help this “drying and dying” season.  We have to help Him starve certain things.  If we keep “feeding and watering” those things in our lives that are sin areas, then they will keep growing, the roots will go deeper and deeper.  But there is hope.  Starve it, get it out of there!  God will swoop in and help when we are weak. Then He can pull all the dead things away, He can clean up the garden.  He can start stirring the soil, planting new vision, new ideas, new dreams.  He can plant new hope, new compassion, new peace, new faith.  SO much room for so many things, when we let HIM take away the dead, the broken, the hurt, the sinful desires of our flesh.  And then there’s so much room for Him!  


It hurts.  It’s painful.  So painful.  God doesn’t promise us that we will live a pain-free life.  He never said following Him would be the easy path.  No way.  It means beating our bodies into submission, it means taking every thought captive, it means dying to what WE want out of life and surrendering ALL of it to Him.  It means trusting in Him when friends die, it means trusting in Him when we lose our jobs, it means letting him take away a man (or woman) we love…the great exchange, we give everything, because Jesus gave everything first.  He died there on the cross for a hundred generations, He died for the Church across the world, He died for YOU and your sin, He died for me even though He knew I was a nobody, a foolish wreck of a girl who couldn’t get out of bed in the morning because depression had beaten me down so far that I thought I could never see the sun shine again.


But I’m free!  I’m free from chains I never thought I would be free from, I’m healed from things I never thought I would ever be healed from.  I want to shout it, I want to dance in the streets, from the JOY in my heart that is pouring out of a thankful heart!  


You might be the craziest, lowest of the low, nobody, and Jesus would reach out His hand and pick you up and free you.  The world pretends like it’s offering something so nice, but in the end, it’s ashes.  


Thank the Lord that He answers prayer!  


February 11, 2012

I found this poem on the internet, and loved it.


Do sad people have in
It seems
They have all built a shrine
To the past
And often go there
And do a strange wail and
What is the beginning of
It is to stop being
So religious
Like That.

~ Hafiz

December 10, 2011

I’ll always look back and remember

You were my innocent dream.

Of love, and romance, sweet nothings

That could caress my ear

And make me feel safe.

I’ll always remember

That last day of summer dreams

Ended with me picking wild flowers,

And looking back at you while you waited

In the car.

I didn’t know what you were thinking then,

And I’m glad I didn’t.

Because I’ll always remember it,

And remember my innocence.

I knew then the tragedies of the world,

About war, death, and destruction.

But I never knew that a heart could be mortally wounded.

A heart, wounded, but unable to die.

It will keep on living, must keep on pumping,

And when the whole world sees a walking human being,

Breathing, eating, and sleeping,

I see myself for what I am:

Walking, talking, and thinking,

But not alive.

Not anymore.


November 7, 2011

“New Post”

New beginnings

New hope ahead on the horizon.

Moving forward

Not looking back

Toward that empty wasteland

Called my own sin and


Sometimes forgiveness

Will have to be imagined

I might never get to say

I’m sorry.

I’ll receive what I can

And hope that someday

You’ll understand.

Someday, please understand.

November 4, 2011

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

~e. e. cummings

I could hate you forever, but I have to thank you.

You gave me courage, you made me see

That I could get along without you.

I can take care of myself.

Something so simple, but something so new

For my heart to experience;

The freedom of knowing I don’t need you…

Why did it take so long for me to figure this out?

Why did I think I would need someone to take care of me,

To hold my hand,

To kiss my cheek and say everything was ok…

Why did I need that?

No more.

Plans made, plans fulfilled on my own,

Something greater coming on the horizon

That doesn’t involve you or anyone else,

My own place, my own love,

My own time to waste and my own self to please.

Hope is in the little things I do on my own,

And knowing I’ll never be strong enough to make you

Proud, or skilled enough to keep up with the

Great and Powerful Oz.  You.

Have fun on your own, I know I will.


I wish my romance was with you

Candelight would look great in your blue eyes

And moonshine would only make your teeth look whiter.


You could lull me to sleep with your voice

And brush the hair back from my face when I started snoring.


You could make me laugh until I peed,

And then grab onto my heart with your words,

And throw my mind into a magical world of our own making.


We could sail to the sunset forever and never look back,

No one would blame us,

You’d tell my Mom you’d have me back at midnight.


Til the stories fade and the lights go dim,

Forever is too long to hope for and too long to win

Two lights can shine brighter as one,

But you and me might be destined to be alone.


I wish my romance was with you

But wishing never got me anywhere,

And miles of empty road are longer than they seem.

October 10, 2011

Someone told me the other day that I looked jaded.  I looked up the specific definition.


jad·ed [jey-did] 

1. dulled or satiated by overindulgence: a jaded appetite.
2. worn out or wearied, as by overwork or overuse.
3. dissipated: a jaded reprobate.

Lines written on a napkin.

October 3, 2011

Red water, red water…

As I leave you,

the tears make

Red water.


Blue sky, blue skies

my tears like blue skies

When I left you behind.

Blue skies.


As I leave you

Never to have you again.

Like rain falling off the rooftop

and disappearing into the ground,

Like a cloud that disappears in

the heat of the sun;

I will be gone from your thoughts.

September 25, 2011

They’ll let you down,

But it’s onto a bed of roses at first.

The next time they’ll let you fall

Onto a couch

Or something of the same cushion-y substance.

By the time you’ve gotten used to

These falls,

And all of the great heights you’ve been

Let down from,

A very large cliff will come along.

He’ll shove you off,

And there’s no recovering from that.

You’ll break into a thousand pieces

And float into the air

Like the ashes of your dead Grandmother

That got sprinkled into the Pacific.


There’s no recovering from that.

September 22, 2011

The empty lives we lead.

September 22, 2011

Our lives are empty

Like a forsaken school bus in a junkyard.

No one wants to be in that schoolbus.

It’s ugly, the seats are torn,

And it smells like stale pizza

And the remains of some mouse

That realized he didn’t want to be in

that school bus either.

But he got stuck there.


Our lives could be beautiful,

Like the pure springs that overflow

In Northern Florida,

And the waves that crash against the cliffs of

Ireland, making wild rainbows on a sunny day.


Apparently water is beautiful.


Our lives could be full,

Like a crowded room with relatives you haven’t seen in years, but

They still make you laugh until your stomach hurts.


Why do so many people pick the school bus?


Because some con man painted it,

Put in subwoofers that could make any butt shake,

And installed a strobe light.

He told people they were missing out, and

Charged them 10 bucks at the door to get in.


But it still smells like stale pizza.

There are a few more smells now though;

Vomit, sweat, and women’s deodorant.

September 17, 2011

However much I’d like to pretend that I would never be as unfaithful as Israel, never turn away from the God that has performed such amazing miracles in my life…I read verses like this and realize I am exactly like wandering Israel.


Jeremiah 2:13

“‘My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.'”


Whenever we turn away from God as our Comforter, Provider, and Healer, and turn to other things to provide for us, we are digging broken cisterns.  Whenever I am feeling anxious and lonely, and I do not first turn to my Father in Heaven to comfort me and surround me with His love, I am turning somewhere else for comfort.  Some people have more extreme ways of dealing with their anxiety and depression, and some people just turn on the TV to comfort them.  Some people eat.  Some of us dive into books that take us into another world.


No matter what your broken cistern is, it is still broken.  I am asking myself, what are the things I have been running to?  It’s a long list.  Lord, help me to give these things to You, and to run to You FIRST.  You are the spring of living water that will satisfy me ALL of the days of my life.

September 16, 2011

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.

Variation On the Word Sleep, Margaret Atwood

An Excellent Quote.

September 14, 2011

An excellent quote by Charles Bukowski.


“That’s the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.”

September 12, 2011

When Two Souls Meet.

September 10, 2011

I wrote this for a friend of mine.  I think it accurately describes how well we connect.


When two souls understand
And can see the other within,
That darkening place where no light shines
The place we all run to cover and hide

When two souls meet
And comprehend the meaning
Of the storm within the other
And know that storm is never ever over…

When two souls catch a
Glimpse of the dawn breaking
No beauty can quite ascend
That hill, and no waning hope will

When two souls meet.

For the Broken.

August 22, 2011

If they ask you why,

Tell them it’s for the broken.

The broken, who have no peace,

The hurting, who have no home.

If we beat our bodies into submission,

If we sweat and cry and pour out whatever is left inside of us,

It is not for ourselves…it is for the lost.

If they ask you why,

Tell them it’s for love.

The overwhelmingly patient, enduringly faithful,

Unsurpassed and unconditional love

That saved me out of darkness;

That bore my shame, my sin, my weakness,

And made it beautiful, made it a song,

Turned it into my joy instead of my despair…

Love for my Creator who knew me and formed me,

Before my mother knew I existed,

Before time even began, He made me who I am.

Tell them it’s for the broken.

Tell them it’s for love.


June 29, 2011

The world is shaking around me,

The ground is unsteady and broken.

The rumble, the noise of things breaking…

The world is shaking.

June 23, 2011

I just can’t.

I just can’t hate you.

I just won’t.

I just won’t hate you.

There’s a thin line between,

What is, and what was meant to be,

But I still can’t,

I still won’t hate you.


Even if the best is not what

You chose to do,

Even if I could blame

It all on you,

I still can’t, I still won’t

Blame you.


Blame and hate,

Tempting poisons for my heart,

Still I will hold on

To what we had at the start.

These miles that separate,

The dust that filled my mouth,

I’ll drink from water pure

Not cling to desert drought…


I just can’t,

I just won’t

Hate you.